I AM MAD AT YOU JESUS

my teachings tell me that as a good christian i cannot be mad at God ... how dare I ... but i am mad at God and i so am frustrated ... so i might as well be honest and say - God, i am mad, weary and I darent trust You cos You promise me the world yet I STILL DONT SEE IT COME TO PASS!!!

so for me to carry on this journey, its simpe!!!!! show me your eyes of love that i will know what love is abt and give me the strength to carry on ... i really desire to love You with my whole being cos that's what I was created for but ... it sure is tough You know ... but i am willing to be made willing ... if only i can see Your face and to know Your heart, i sure think it will be a lot easier ... so can You please stop playing hard to get ... it sure is tough ... it sure is frustrating ... yup, You tell me to go into the streets to find You so ... sigh, hey shirley lee hoon chai, would you co operate with the Creator - perhaps then your journey would be much easier ... Lord sigh!!!

have you been through as much sufferings as me??

last nite i went to the altar and the moment i knelt down, i prayed O GOD, I WANT OUT!!!

today min told me that i am a girl that is going through a lot of sufferings except the diff between paul and i is that paul is grateful for his sufferings while i HATE IT WITH A MAJOR H ... my immediate retort is OF COURSE - HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH AS MUCH SUFFERINGS AS I HAVE!!!

last year, a prophet came to aon and his prayer was - you are a girl who have been through a lot of suffering and xxxxx and a week thereafter, I GOT DENGUE ... last sat, someone else prayed that - you are a girl who have been through a lot of suffering xxx and grrr i so feel like asking her to shut up !!! no, i am someone who IS NOT LIKE PAUL FROM THE BIBLE! I HATE SUFFERING AND PAIN ... i think the only reason God allows me to go through it is simply to break me so that i can be His pure and spotless bride - BUT I STILL DONT ENJOY IT AND I DONT APPRECIATE IT ... I THINK ITS NOT RIGHT AND WHEN I WAS AT THE ALTAR YESTESDAY, I WANTED TO RUN AWAY!

yup, Hedi Baker called for people who are reaching out to the people who work with the prostitutes and drug addicts (sigh can it be any more obvious) and so i went to the altar ... yet the moment i knelt down, i told the Lord I WANT OUT!!!!! i so dislike what i am going through and i think i made a mistake - He gave me ecc chapter 5 - sigh ... yup, someone came over to pray for me and she put her hand over my head, my ears, whatever for a long, long time and after the long long time said - JESUS GET HER!!!!

Lord, i confess i am so tired, afraid and weary... unless You come and show me Your eyes of love ... sigh!!!!! so whoever you are reading this blog, if you feel the Lord ask you to pray for aon or me, pray that I WILL SEE THE FACE OF JESUS - THAT'S HIS PROMISE TO ME THROUGH SOMEONE WHO PRAYED FOR ME AT THE ALTAR AND A PROMISE GOD MADE TO ME BEFORE I CAME TO GEYLANG ... yet for now, i am pouting and i am saying to you God, SHOW ME YOUR FACE AND TAKE ME TO THE THRONEROOM or ... sigh !!! thank God for GRACE, GRACE, GRACE!

why goshen

hey lord, its strange how you told anson of hi pt abt goshen through the korean sisters ... and then you told me that singapore will be a goshen nation through christopher cole and mike bickle's teaching on end times ... yet lord, if i had my way, i would prefer to call this place HIS PRECIOUS FEET :) yea lord, its only a name and servanthood, unity and love matters more ... hmmm that's why i'm emoting to you only jesus and not to others cos truly its only a name and ultimately, the name will change when you want to rename its destiny ... so your will be done :0

Names ...

hey lord, this is your favourite one asking you - what should i call this restaurant? are you telling me that the baby's name is according to my desire ... oh well jesus, my desire for this place is that everyone that goes in will find a place at your precious feet ...at the foot of the cross where mercy and grace is poured into our lives ... at your feet, where tenderness and love is poured into our hearts ... at your feet, where acceptance, humility and joy kiss us ... passionately!

does it really matter that i know the name now... especially that the restaurant is still in your womb... does it really matter since its only a name ... i guess it doesnt matter to me whether i call it goshen, canaan, HIS PRECIOUS FEET, throneroom, the king's chambers since its only a name and i am only the dreamer ... yet jesus, i know it matters to you cos you ordained it even before it was in my dreams ... so lord, what should i call this baby ... should i call it after janica's son (cant even remember his name- yikes) ... grrr

yet lord, what i am looking for is not merely its name but your heart for it. show me your heart, speak your mind to me... i really desire to know your emotions, yr thots, your heartbeat for this precious baby... so what are you thinking, what are you feeling ... will you please share your life with me abt this baby ... yes lord, many see this merely as a project ... yet, to me, this is something precious cos you are showing me who you are through its birth

hey lord, you asking me again what i hope to see from this birth ... well, i recall the dream where you said that a generation of zealous and ardent believers will be birthed ... yes, i hope to see a company of radical, sold out believers whose hearts have only you... a company of desperate lovers worshipping you day and nite, spreading your love like wildfire... yes lord, i so desire, a place where marys can find a place, AT YOUR PRECIOUS FEET ... a place where everyone will appreciate what a beautiful god you truly are ... a place where we can loudly, unashamedly declare that we truly love you cos you have captivated our hearts. yea lord, a place where there's complete freedom!